batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
