she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
