I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
