I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
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