And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize