She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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