is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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