Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
