Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
