yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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