It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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