OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
