you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Randomize
