Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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