mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
