She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
