So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
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