Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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