Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
did i walk over a car last night?
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
You have to summon your inner elephant
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
