my vag is so smooth its legendary
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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