Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
