The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
