the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
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