I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
