imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
