There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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