you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Randomize
