Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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