just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize
