my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
