I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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