your thong is hanging out like whoa
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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