What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize