I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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