you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
You ruined the universe
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
