bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
