everyone is single if you try hard enough
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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