he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
