no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
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