I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
So much rum. So many feels.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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