dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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