I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Randomize
