Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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