I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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