Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
He? As in you personified your dick?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize