This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
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