bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
