I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
where does the pee come out of this thing
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize