I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
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