I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Randomize