I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
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