Apparently you make a good broom.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
