You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
