I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize