One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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