my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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