I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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