Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Randomize
