i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
