Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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