I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
someone owes me an orgasm
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
