We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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